How To Dispatch A Stalker: The Kikyo Files
by Potential Schizophrenic
Summary: Its OOC, its mad, its random, but GAWD, is it HILARIOUS! Kikyo lovers, dont read, kayy?
1. Weed Hacker!

**Like I said, this is what I wanna do to my stalker. He is called Julian and is very irritating. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Enjoy!! I know I did!!**

The group was walking through the trees to get Kagome back to the well. None of them could relax- they felt an eerie presence behind them. It felt…Graveyard-ish. Inuyasha kept glancing back over his shoulder. He was sure someone was stalking him.

"Kagome, do you sense that?" he asked. The miko nodded, wary eyes scanning the forest around them. "I'm gunna go check it out."

The hanyou leaped up into a nearby tree and waited. Soon enough, the source of the unrest appeared from the bushes: Kikyo. Inuyasha shook with rage and jumped to land on the ground in front of the dead priestess.

"God dammit!" he roared. He was pissed off by now. "Can you PLEASE STOP STALKING ME!!!!!" Kikyo smirked.

"No."

"I figured you'd say that. So…I brought a WEED HACKER!!!!" as if from nowhere, Inuyasha produced a weed hacker. Kikyo even stretched out her arms for a hug as she was hacked to pieces.

**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Go Inu-Dog!!! Weed-hacker FTW!!! R&R!!!**


	2. BBQ Sauce?

**MUAHAHAHAAHAA!!! THIS IS PURE GOLD!!! No, really, i love it.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

"In that cave there is a demon who loves barbeque sauce." Sango was whispering to the group. "So Kagome, leave your bag out here. He might smell the food you got for later." Kagome nodded and hid her bag behind a rock. Quietly, they headed towards the cave…when the miko picked up that graveyard presence again. _Kikyo._ She felt really angry. She raced back to where she had left her bag, then found the barbeque sauce. Running to where she had felt Kikyo's presence, she faced the priestess.

"Say, Kikyo…" The priestess looked curiously at her. "You REALLY REALLY love Inuyasha…right?"

"Hell yes!!" the dead one nodded uber-fastly.

"So will you help us if it saves his life?" More nodding. Kagome's grin was malicious as she advanced on Kikyo with the open barbeque sauce…

"Guys!! Run like hell!!!" Kagome burst from the trees, yelling her head off and flapping her arms. The others looked confused, but sprinted after her away from the demon cave.

Kikyo sat, tied to a tree, covered in barbeque sauce. The demon lumbered out of his cave and smelled the sauce. "BARBEQUE!!!!!!" Kikyo smiled.

"Inuyasha will be so proud of …ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

She was eaten very very slowly by a sauce loving demon.

**Heheheheheheheheheheheheeeeee.... R&R to hear more!!!**


	3. Fireworks

**Hehehee...i'm getting happier by the update. This is fun!!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

_Slap!_

Miroku emerged from the hut, rubbing at his cheek. Serves him right for making another pass at Sango (AKA touching her ass). He was heading towards a very comfy looking rock to sit on, when his path was blocked by a pretty priestess. He resisted the urge to touch her ass by remembering that this was Kikyo, Inuyasha's stalker, and also she was dead. "What do you want Kikyo?"

"Inuyasha." Her reply was instant. Miroku looked thoughtful for a moment. The he smiled.

"Just gimme a sec, I'll go get him!" the monk dashed off back into the hut. Kikyo clapped her hands in excitement and sat down on the grass.

A while later, Miroku reappeared. "Here he is!" he sat something very Inuyasha-like next to Kikyo, then ran like hell.

"Inuyasha, my love!" Kikyo threw her arms round 'Inuyasha's' neck. "I love you so"- _**BANG!!!!**_

Inuyasha ran out of the house at the noise, to see Miroku almost dead with laughter and a black scorch mark on the ground. There were some pretty fireworks in the air. Inuyasha looked at the monk, eyebrows raised. "What did you do?"

"Turned your stalker into fireworks!"

"ummm…How?"

"Dressed a firework up as you and ran like hell."

An hour later, Kagome came out of the hut, to see the hanyou and the monk still dying of laughter.

**Hahaha...I crack me up. :D **


	4. Bicycle SPLAT!

**I really dont know what to say, except that i believe i've gone mad. **

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

"Sango! Save Kagome and get out of here!" Inuyasha yelled at the demon-slayer, who nodded. She leapt onto Kilala and grabbed the unconscious Kagome, leaving the guys to deal with the huge demon and get the jewel shards that were stuck in its little toe.

They flew into a small clearing in the middle of a forest, and Sango left to find water to rouse Kagome with. As soon as her back was turned, the priestess appeared with a knife. She giggled madly.

"I kill Kagome, no more competition, Inuyasha love me! Simple!" she was about to go ask someone how to use a knife when Sango returned, and shrieked, "Oh my Jesus!!! You were gonna kill Kagome!"

"Yes, I was but I couldn't figure out how to use"-

"SHUT UP!!"

A few minutes later the guys came back. They heard maniacal laughing and ran to see what was going on. Kagome had woken up and was giggling at the sight before her. Sango's was the mad laughter they had heard, as she rode down a convieniently placed hill by the clearing on Kagome's bike. A scream drew the men's attention to the centre of the clearing. Only Kikyo's head showed above the ground. Sango had buried her up to the neck and was about to run her over with the bike.

_Splat!_

Miroku turned to Inuyasha. "Well there's one way to deal with stalkers."

**-Gives cutie smile- I would love to see that. R&R, give me more ideas!**


	5. Perfume

**Hitting things with a wooden spoon breaks plates and gets you restricted from being anywhere downstairs. **

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

A whisper sounded from the trees;

"Shippo."

Shippo turned his head to the empty trees. He smelled graveyard. He headed for the forest, looking for Inuyasha's stalker, when she picked him up from behind and hugged him. "GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!" Kikyo giggled at the angry little fox. He hit her on the head.

She put him down and pinned his arms at his sides. "Shippo, where is Inuyasha?"

"Not telling."

"Aw, c'mon, tell me."

"NO!"

"SHIPPO TELL ME NOW!!!!!!" Kikyo's face mashed up in rage. Shippo looked around, then spotted something in the distance. He looked back at Kikyo. He pretended to relent. "Fine, I'll take you to him. Follow me." He ran through the trees at foxy-speed, and Kikyo struggled to keep up.

When Shippo reached his chosen spot, Kikyo was nearly dead from exhaustion. She flopped down and said "Shippo, cant you just go get him and bring him here? I cant run any more." Shippo smiled over-sweetly.

"Okay, Lady Kikyo!" he scampered off again.

"Inuyasha, do you still have that demon-poison stuff we got from that demon a bit ago?"

"Yeah. Why d'you need it?"

"…Pest problem." Inuyasha got the poison stuff and gave it to Shippo, who grinned and ran off back to Kikyo.

"Inuyasha sent this to give you energy so you can go see him!" Shippo handed the bottle to Kikyo. "You put it on you're skin like perfume." Kikyo snatched the bottle and put A LOT on her skin. Shippo giggled as the acid in the poison began to corrode off her flesh. She screamed as she disintegrated into mush. "That's the end of Kinkyhoe."

**Hehe. Priceless. **


	6. Chainsaw, Sledgehammer and Dwarf?

**I've gotten some great reviews, but also a couple really cold ones. One said to be original. So here ya go!! The end is pretty original!!! i hope.**

**I've taken some suggestions on with this chap. 1 review said to use chainsaws and sledge hammers, and another said threee people should attack at once. I used both, with a lil something of my own XD**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

"Sesshomaru, you are waaaay not as hawt or shmexy as your brother!" Kikyo's taunting shout reached Sesshomaru's ears through the trees. He growled. "Jaken, look after Rin for a bit. I'm going out…GHOSTBUSTING!!!!" Rin and Jaken exchanged a troubled look.

"Naraku, you look like a girl! And Inuyasha can kick your ass any day!" Kikyo bawled at Naraku, who was peacefully plotting world domination and minding his own business. He looked up sharply, and rose slowly to his feet. "Kagura, take care of things here. I am going to go…partake in my new hobby of grave-digging."

"Inuyasha! Inuyasha my love! Where are you??" Inuyasha shuddered at Kikyo's voice. He stopped, and turned from the group. Kagome looked back, but he waved his hand, and she shrugged and led the group on. Inuyasha started back towards Kikyo.

They all found the dead priestess at the same time. Sesshomaru's eyes were red, he was running at full speed, and was revving a chainsaw and whirling it around his head. Naraku had a sledgehammer and was diving down from the air onto Kikyo's head. Inuyasha had a cannibalistic dwarf on his back and was preparing to launch it at the priestess.

_Slam!_

The sledgehammer whacked into her skull.

_Slice!_

The chainsaw hacked off her arm.

And so the two demons whacked and hacked until they were all out of energy. Panting, they drew back. "I'm still alive, you know." Kikyo's voice was as normal as ever, despite the mush she had become. Inuyasha sighed.

"Dwarfy, do your thang!" The dwarf leapt off the hanyou's back, landing on Kikyo. The three left him happily feasting on her brains.

**Well, the dwarf ended up happy x3. I love your reviews, they make me happy! One that really brightened up a crappy day said i was demented XD I took it as a compliment. i always do/ R&R!!**


	7. Death By Marshmallow :

**I'm gonna have 2 make a number 2 of this, im gettin sooo many ideas!! And the next one will be dedicated to inu youkai 666 hell dog, because of the awesome idea i got for this chappie!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

The gang was sitting round the fire after a long long day of demon-killing. Kagome was rummaging in her bag for something to eat. "Hurry up, Kagome, we're hungry!" Inuyasha growled. The rest nodded in agreement.

"Hang on a minute…AHA!!"

"What d'ya find? Can we eat now? Can we? Please?"

"I found…MARSHMALLOWS!!!"

"WOW!!! I love marshmallows!! Um…what's a marshmallow?" asked Shippo. Kagome giggled, and explained to everyone

"They're sweets from my time! We put them on sticks" she demonstrated "And then we eat them!"

Everyone had been enjoying marshmallows for a while when they all sensed graveyard again. _Kikyo. _"Aww, Kagome!" Shippo whined, "I was distracted and my marshmallow set on fire!"

"Shippo…what were you using for a stick?"

"An arrow, why?"

"Give me my bow." Shippo handed it to her. "Now that arrow." Shippo gave her the arrow. Kagome took careful aim towards where she felt Kikyo, and shot. There was a squeal from the trees. Kikyo ran out with a flaming marshmallow arrow setting her clothes on fire. Inuyasha grinned and threw his own flaming marshmallow at her. The rest all joined in as Kikyo was half burned and half drowned by melted fire-mallows.

**Yeahh, I couldve written it better. but this here is about cheering me up, i'm in no mood to write intelligently (which, incidentally, is why im not updating anything else) **


	8. SIT and then SPLAT

**Argh! PC has been dead for 3 days!!!! I was so bored, and i couldnt update for you lovely people!! This isnt much of a chapter, but i liked it.**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

Back in the modern world, Kagome was mowing the lawn for her grandpa. Inuyasha was sitting in a tree watching her. It was a very quiet and beautiful day, until they both sensed that awful graveyard presence and saw soul-collectors flying around above their heads. Inuyasha growled. Kagome gritted her teeth and begun mowing with extreme ferocity.

Kikyo appeared through the gate and ran across to Inuyasha. "Inuyasha my love!!" she yelled. Inuyasha growled louder.

"I came to this stupid era to get away from you!!! And to be with KAGOME, the one I LOVE!!!!!" Kikyo giggled.

"He's just bashful." She said to Kagome. Kagome nodded at Inuyasha. It was the signal that would release him from his necklace. He grinned, showing all his teeth, and dropped the beads over Kikyo's head. "Oh, Inuyasha!! You got me a present!!"

As she began to charge with her lawn mower, Kagome yelled "SIT BOY!!!" Kikyo thudded to the floor head first and was immediately decapitated by the raging lawnmower, much to Inuyasha's and Kagome's amusement.

**And also much to my amusement :D**


	9. Burn Bitch, Burn

**Sorry for lack of updates. I'll take this oppurtunity to say Happy New Year!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

"Quick, Kagome! We have to get outta here before the volcano explodes!" Kagome took one last shot at the fire demon before Inuyasha grabbed her and slung her on his back, sprinting to safety alongside Kilala, who was giving everyone else a ride. Sango looked back, sensing something.

"Hold on! Let me do this one quick thing before we escape!" to many protests from the group, she ran back to the volcano.

"Kikyo?" She called. "Kikyoooo…" the priestess appeared before her.

"Where's Inuyasha? Give me Inuyasha!!" She bitch slapped Sango round the face. Sango Bitch slapped back. Before the writer knew what was going on, she had a full-scale bitch fight on her hands.

"OKAY BITCH! YOU ASKED FOR IT!!" Sango grabbed Kikyo by the hair and dragged her to the top of the mountain. "Yo, fire demon! I gots a present for ya!" the fire demon poked its head out the top of the volcano and grabbed the kicking and screaming Kikyo.

Sango giggled like a crazy person and ran back to the gang. She swore she heard a voice in her head telling her to set Miroku alight, but she wasn't crazy. Right?

As the fire demon was about to eat Kikyo, the volcano exploded and incinerated them both. Shippo clapped his hands. "WOO! Go spontaneous combustion!!"

**Sango's not crazy. Right? R&R!**

**By the way, by 'the writer' i mean me.**


	10. WIND TUNNEL!

**I'm feeling HAPPY right now. XD**

**Disclaimer: i own noooooothiiiing!!**

**Enjoy! Be Happy! I Sure Am!!!!**

"Inuyasha? INUYASHA!?" Kikyo was aimlessly wandering through the forest, trying to find Inuyasha. Inuyasha was hiding up a tree. Typical scaredy-cat…scaredy-dog. Miroku found him there.

"Inuyasha, what're you going to do about Kikyo?"

"SSH! She'll find us!"

"Well?" Miroku lowered to a whisper. "What're you going to do?"

"Can't _you _deal with it? You're the one with the fancy-pants wind-tunnel!"

Miroku looked thoughtful for a minute. "I _do _have a fancy-pants wind-tunnel, don't I?"

--------

"Kikyo?" Miroku strolled up to the priestess as if he totally had _not_ just been hiding up a tree with her stalkee.

"Miroku? Where's Inuyasha?"

"He…told me to bring you to him! Yes, that's right! He told me to bring you to him, but first you have to hold this for a minute." He handed her his blue rosary. She held it and looked puzzled. "What am I supposed to do with"-

"WIND TUNNEL!"

Kikyo screamed as she was sucked head-first into Miroku's wind tunnel. It was hard work. She absolutely refused to be wind-tunnelified.

"Inuyasha…?" Miroku called uncertainly.

"What? Is she gone?"

"Well…the thing is…she got stuck."

"Stuck? Stuck where?" Inuyasha then came crashing out of the trees and saw what Miroku meant. Kikyo's legs were waving bout outside the tunnel, and her fat ass wouldn't fit. Inuyasha could not stop laughing. Miroku then saw the funny side and laughed too. It was then that Kagome came zooming through the clearing on her bike.

'Oh yeah…I broke the brakes on her bike and didn't tell her…oops.' Inuyasha thought.

Kagome's bike crashed right into Kikyo, finally pushing her through the wind tunnel. Miroku was serious for long enough to put the rosary back on his arm. The he collapsed with laughter.

After almost an hour of solid manical laughter, Kagome finally got sick of the giggly monk and sedated him.

**Hahaha. See, if i get posted an idea, i will save it on my virtual notebook and use it. R&R, help me make 50 reviews!**


	11. Ninja, Popcorn, Ninja

**Nothing to declare!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

Kagome had really had enough of Kikyo stalking Inuyasha. In the modern time, she decided to seek out someone who would finish Kikyo once and for all.

-------

"Shippo, you know where Kagome is?"

"I think she went back to her time."

"WHAT?! WHY?!"

"I'm not exactly sure. She was muttering in a really crazy way when she left, something about being sick of stalkers."

"Oh. I think I get it now…" at that moment, Kagome walked in.

"Hi, everyone!!" She seemed suspiciously happy, but everyone was too sidetracked by the new modern time food she'd brought with her.

"Wow Kagome! What's that?" Shippo was investigating the bag very closely.

"It's popcorn! You eat it when you watch something fun!"

"We're watching something fun?"

"Yup! We sure are!"

--------

Kagome had them sat up a tree by a clearing in the forest, hidden from view and eating popcorn. Inuyasha frowned when he sensed Kikyo. "Kagome, what"-

"SSH! It's starting!!"

Kikyo stepped into view, calling for Inuyasha. She tipped her head on one side when she saw something in the trees that the spectators couldn't see yet.

Someone very ninja-like walked out of the trees, towards Kikyo.

"Who are you? You don't happen to know where Inuyasha is, do you?" The ninja said nothing. "HEY! I WAS TALKING TO YOU, BITCH!!!!"

Kikyo tried to bitch slap the ninja and was immediately blocked and kicked at until she fell to the ground. Shippo clapped, very quietly, while eating popcorn. Kagome had got a black belt to sort out the Kikyo problem-sort of like Pest Control.

Kikyo got up and thought she was better than the black-belt person. She tried to fight back but was knocked down every time. She was so awful at fighting that the ninja/karate black-belt person got bored, pulled a fan out of their belt, and sliced Kikyo's head off with it. The people in the tree laughed so hard that they all fell out and landed on the ground. Inuyasha went over to examine the fan, paying no attention to the dead graveyard-soil thing on the ground, and asked; "How the hell did the fan kill her?" The black belt person showed him the huge blades on the edge. "Oh. That's how." Inuyasha backed away slowly. Kagome laughed.

"This is Soyoku. I hired her to sort out Inuyasha's stalker issues."

Everyone laughed and ate popcorn, letting a wandering demon eat the abandoned corpse.

**This chap is dedicated to ShyNotScared13, because she is the ninja. XD R&R!!!**


	12. TurtleTurtleTurtle

**This is random and weird. I'm not sure how this came about, but i got the idea from a review...but i cant remember who from. Thanks though!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!**

Kagome was all alone on the way back from the future- or so she thought. Miroku was spying on her from a tree, because he was bored and Sango had just slapped him again.

As Kagome began to cross a river, Miroku had a sudden hitch in his stalking plan. He would either have to climb down from the trees and cross the river the normal way, showing Kagome he'd been following her, or he could try jumping from tree to tree over the river.

He'd rather fall in the very deep, very dark, very cold river than be spotted; Kagome would tell Inuyasha, and he'd get mad.

Really mad.

It didn't look that far, really.

--------

"Okay, on three…One, two, three…no, on five…four, five….I really shouldn't have considered this." Miroku whispered to himself. He still didn't make the jump. Kagome was picking her way across on stepping stones, not noticing him. Just then, a weirdy flying thing flew past Miroku.

"Bingo!" He climbed on the things back and let it take him across.

It was about halfway across when Miroku realized what had given him a lift. "Argh!! A soul-collector!!" it meant Kinky-hoe was about. Grr. Suddenly he saw her, following Kagome across the river.

"Wheres Inuyasha?" Kagome grit her teeth and turned around at that dreaded voice.

"He doesn't want you, bitch!" Kikyo's eyes narrowed.

"Yes he does, and I may be a bitch, but I'm HIS bitch, bitch!"

"You wish, whore!"

"Calling me a whore? Look at how short that skirt is!"

Kagome's temper took over just then. Seeing as she had special Miko powers, would this one thing work?

She whistled piercingly at the river.

Miroku fell off the soul-collector and into the river.

As he sank, something huge was swimming towards you. He underwater-screamed. What the hell did Kagome summon?

The giant turtle leapt up, ate Kikyo, and swam away again, much to Kagome and Miroku's amusement.

"Miroku? What're you doing here?"

"Uhhh…about that…"

**I dont know if its even possible to ride a soul collector, but oh well. R&R, you know you want to.**


	13. Always Clean Your Teeth

**Baa. Baa.**

**I am ze sheep. (not my zodiac sign, why should i tell you that) but i feel like being ze sheep for now. **

**Quick note; all the ideas ( i mean ALL) have been noted on my pc and are in a list. if you have EVER submitted me an idea, its in the list. i'll put in as many as i can, but when i get to 50, im stopping. no 100. its too much work. **

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

Inuyasha had gone back to the modern time in the night when Kagome was asleep. She was angry at him for breaking into her house, but she completely forgot her anger when he brought with him the one thing she had forgotten from home: a toothbrush.

"Inuyasha! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!" she gave him a flying hug-tackle and ran off to clean her teeth.

She had just finished and was rinsing her toothbrush in a clean stream when she heard a very angry, vengeful Kikyo crashing through the trees behind her. And all she was armed with was a toothbrush. Crap.

"You bitch! Whore! You stole my Inuyasha!!" The graveyard stalker/priestess/weirdo screamed. She raised the hatchet she wielded at Kagome and almost brought it down on her head, when Kagome swung her toothbrush upwards. It, miraculously, blocked the blade. They both looked puzzledly at the brush, and then realized that, now it had cleaned the teeth of someone with miko powers, it was a _magic_ toothbrush. Kagome grinned evilly and waved the magic toothbrush. She sliced it through the air and it sliced Kikyo's head off.

"Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kagome laughed and its evilness echoed through the forest. Then she turned slowly around to face the reader. You, I mean. Yes. The mad lady with the Magic Toothbrush of Doom is looking at _you…_

She grinned brightly. "Now, kids, you see the importance of brushing twice every single day." She gestured to the corpse.

"This piece of graveyard soil could have caused me harm." She held up the magic toothbrush.

"But thanks to brushing every day, I'm fighting all the harmful dirt, germs, and bacteria!"

**Always brush your teeth. R&R and brushing teeth helps kill Kikyo.**


	14. PINATA!

**Im SO SORRY about my lack of updates!! And the bad news just wont stop, will it? No! My little sister deleted the list I had of all your ideas! I'll do the best i can to work from my reviews, but I need the ideas! I remembered this was top of my listm so here ya go! Pinata!!**

**Disclaimer: i own nothing**

**Enjoy!!**

* * *

"Kagome, Kagome!" An excited little fox skipped up to Kagome and hug-tackled her round the knees.

"Shippo!" She laughed. "What's up?"

"It's my birthday and I wanna have a party!" His face was so sweet, how could she refuse?

She dashed off to fetch the birthday surprise.

--------

"Kikyo?" The graveyard priestess forward slash part-time stalker stepped out of the trees when Kagome called- bad move.

"Yes?"

"Inuyasha wants your babies." Kagome mentally apologised to Inuyasha as Kikyo squeed like a fangirl.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!! What do I do?"

"Go wait for him in the big tree by the village. He likes trees." Kikyo rushed off, leaving Kagome cackling evilly to herself.

--------

It was almost time for the party, and Kikyo was still in the tree. Kagome sneaked up behind her, still giggling, and tied her up and pushed her out of the tree. She fell halfway to the ground before the rope tautened and stopped her falling. She tried to scream but it didn't work because Kagome had gagged her.

That was when Shippo and his friends ran out for the party.

"PINATA!!!"

They took it in turns trying to get candy out of the priestess, but it didn't work because she was so sour and bitter.

She ended up beaten to death by the small children, Kagome and Inuyasha looking on like proud parents.

**Muahahaha. The chappie sucked i know, but its the thought that counts. I'll try harder next time, I just dont sleep alot. R&R!!!**


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